We gotta admit, when first we heard of the Muppet movie, our reaction was “Pleasant childhood memories. Rainbow Connection, yada, yada. Moving on…” but then you see the tall dude from TV’s How I Met Your Mother and I Love You, Man and you’re like, huh? Is he smoking crack? The short answer? Yes. But it’s that good kind of 80s crack that, after your first hit, you just want more.

Broham received sneak preview passes about a month ago, and they sat unclaimed until the day of, but for the lucky few who got to see it, they know this movie will be the talk over Turkey Day. When you first see actor Jason Segel surrounded by muppets, it’s eerily surreal. This is especially true if you remember his extended nude scene in Forgetting Sarah Marshall. A naked guy having anything to do with children’s interests is kinda, well, not what being a bro is all about. But, before you can say “Pigs In Spaaaace,” you will have already forgotten Sarah Marshall after your first genuine guffaw. And there are several in this film, mostly due to timing, wit, jump-cuts and candor.

If you’re a baby daddy bro, you’ll be a hit with the kids. If you’re a single bro on the prowl, this is a good date movie. If you’re stuck with the fam on the holiday, even grandma will laugh at the fart jokes. Our only complaint is there’s a bevy of hot babes we won’t see naked in it: Amy Adams, Emily Blunt, Lizzie Kaplan and Sarah Silverman to name a few. So, since we can’t…

Die Hard

 

The Fifth Element
When I think of the future I picture there being a bunch of pussy bitches. Everyone gets all their shit done for them by robots and we just become a bunch of lazy asses. Then, some huge ball of fire planet decided to be a badass and take out the whole human race! How do you beat a badass? Get the only living badass on the whole planet and tell him to take a vacation where he’ll star on a radio show hosted by the biggest star of the planet Ruby Rod. Chris Tucker plays the lovechild of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. To make a long story short, Corbin Dallas (B Will) will have to save the world by drilling an alien and then nailing “the Supreme Being” Lelu (played by that chick from Dazed and Confused) who makes it all the more difficult because she’s a chick and they do that.

BW –  Zed’s dead baby. Zed’s dead.

Cop Out
Okay so this is the exception. This movie was horrible. I saw it but all I heard from it was a big fat wet fart. I felt like I was leaving a snuff film and it wasn’t even funny! It was so bad. Tracy Morgan did his whole I-make-fun-of-retards-and-get-away-with-it routine and it was just like watching the career of William Hung; it made no sense to happen but it did and you still wish you could forget. I’m going to be honest. I was so horrified every waking minute of this movie that all I really saw was a bleeding orifice and the only thing I heard were children screaming. I will go as far to say that the existence of this one horrible piece of work overwrites my initial observance and say that no, Bruce Willis + Black People ≠ Excellence. God dammit I’ve wasted my night! Well at least I was watching..

If Kate Beckinsale ever quit making Underworld movies, well, this world would never be the same. Thankfully, the Lycans have smiled upon us, and relinquished their prequel franchise so that we may return to the original storyline. Apparently, Beckinsale and husband Len Wiseman have kissed and made up despite rumors that their marriage was troubled after she slept with her costar in the last installment. He, however, is not producing or directing this sequel. Here’s hoping this will be the best in the franchise.

Actors play so many various characters in their career, it can get mixed up in your head.  For example, Tom Sizemore played a bank robber in Heat and Detective Jack Scagnetti in Natural Born Killers… then you see him show up on Celebrity Rehab.  Now that’s a movie I need to see.

Here are some other mixups.

Lawrence Fishburne:

Paparazzi: “Lawrence, tell us about your new movie!”

Morpheus: “When I tell you, go the end of the row to the office at the end of the hall.  Stay as low as you can.”

Samuel L. Jackson:

Jake: “We’re going to lose this case, Carl Lee.  There are no more points of law to argue here.  I want to cop a plea, maybe Buckley will cop us a second degree murder and we can get you just life in prison.”

Jules: “You know, Jake, there’s this passage I got memorized.  Ezekiel 25:17. …
I been sayin’ that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass.  I never really questioned what it meant.  I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass.”

Jake: “Carl Lee, what the hell are you talking about?!”

Mark Wahlberg:

The Fighter is heralded as having some of the most realistic boxing scenes.  Only, when Mark heard that, he thought REAL meant his childhood streets of Boston, and he thought BOXING meant beatboxing.  Oh well.  Ding, ding, ding…

Tom Hanks:

There are many who say we’re sending our children over seas to fight for us at home.  This couldn’t be more true in this mixup.  The young Josh Baskin, after a fated encounter with the “Zoltar Speaks” machine, is immediately deployed.  He quickly rises to Captain, and finds himself on a doomed mission to find Private Ryan.  Good thing he keeps his troops entertained with his killer 80s moves!

Stay tuned for more mixups.  Got any ideas of your own?

“Enter the Void” is a most aptly titled piece of shit directed by Gaspar Noe’.   It’s like being stuck in a K-hole:  you aren’t having fun, but you’re already there and you paid good money, so you just stay put waiting to get off.  I waited for two and a half hours for a payoff that never came.  (a huh, huh, huh-I said “came”)

The movie is visually stunning.  Absolutely gorgeous.  Very few of the effects are done in post, either.  It really is shot in such a way that is jaw-dropping.  It is cinematographically amazing.  Truly does blow the mind and give the viewer the feeling that they are experiencing the drugs the characters are taking in the moments that Noe’ has graced us with a plot.

Oh, yeah.  The plot.  There’s a brother and sister whose parents die when they are very young.  They make a pact to never leave each other.  That pact is broken when the sister is sent to live in a different foster home.  They keep in touch through the years until eventually they are in their late teens/early twenties.  The brother is a drug dealer in Tokyo finally financially able to reunite with his sister.  He brings her over, they take lots of drugs and he
dies in a deal gone bad.  Then, the last hour is spent re-hashing scenes, clips and flashbacks of the first half of the movie.  The only new element in the last half of the film is the symbol of a woman’s breast as the life in all of us, now
and beyond.  Not a terribly new concept and is just as mind numbingly boring as the rest of this drivel.

For God’s sake, skip this movie.  In times of recession, save your money.  Put it towards your child’s college tuition.  Hopefully, they major in film and go on to make much better films than “Enter the Void”.

With Halloween arriving this Sunday, we began to wonder why it’s taken this long to give werewolves some props. Thanks to the likes of The Vampire LeStat and Twilight series, Vampires have pretty much been running the show for decades. Here’s some insight into why they might be the lesser of the classic horror antagonists.

And here we have one of Britain’s best exports, as well as the subject of Dracula’s desires. A Bond Girl and Hammer Horror girl, meet the First Lady of Fantasy, the legendary Caroline Munro.

[View with PicLens]

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“Jean-Michel Basquiat:  The Radiant Child” is a documentary about the artist
based on and loosely built around a rare interview conducted by his friend,
Tamra Davis.  You would think that their friendship would make for a more
interesting interview or provide more insight than someone who didn’t know him,
but this is not the case.  “Radiant Child” fails at expounding on its subject
any further than what one could glean from watching the 1996 movie, “Basquiat”.
The precise thing that might have given her an edge in creating this documentary
is also the thing which holds it back:  their friendship.  While understandably
protective of its subject, this restraint keeps the viewer from discovering
anything truly revelatory about Jean-Michel Basquiat.
The film does excel, however, in giving a thorough history lesson of the early
1980′s art scene in New York City in which Basquiat played a key role.  He first
mades waves throughout the Lower East Side as the graffiti artist SAMO (as in
same ‘ol shit).  It helped brand him and stand out in a sea of artists that had
flocked to New York including Fab 5 Freddy, Julian Schnabel, Madonna and Keith
Haring.  He mixed crude scrawlings with words and phrases and eventually caught
the attention of gallery owner Annina Nosei who bought him his first real canvas
and art supplies and let him use her basement to paint.  This proved to be a
very profitable gamble for Nosei, as Basquiat’s first show sold out in fifteen
minutes.  That irony is not to be lost.
Basquiat became the darling of, not only New York City, but of the art world in
general, literally overnight.  His use of bright colors, brash strokes and
crossed-out words made him a unique talent and instant star.  He became the face
of the Urban Renaissance.  (Even today, you can buy Basquiat Reeboks.  What is
more urban than sneakers, I ask you?)
As acclaimed as he became, not everybody was clamoring to showcase his work.  He
was not held in the same regard by some gallery owners as other artists of the time,
Julian Schnabel and David Salle.  Basquiat seemed to feel that he was the token
black in a primarily white art world and, even though it had given him much, had its
limits.  Frustrated by the glass ceiling, heroin enters stage right.
Despite the cracks that were starting to show, Andy Warhol remained one of
Jean-Michel Basquiat’s most devoted admirers.  Their friendship had an odd
foundation.  For Basquiat, knowing Warhol gave him validity as an artist.  For
Warhol, aligning with Basquiat kept him relevant.  It was, however, a very real
friendship and Warhol’s death in 1987 is speculated by all that knew him to be
the begininng of the end.  The loss of his loudest cheerleader and most devout
fan was the proverbial last straw for an increasingly disillusioned Basquiat.
He died of a heroin overdose in 1988 at just 27 years old.
Although “Radiant Child” does not offer a lot of new information about
Jean-Michel Basquiat, it is worth seeing.  The photos, interviews and artwork from the period shows how electric and boundary busting Manhattan in the early 1980′s was and saves the film from being just another stale story about just another tortured artist bent on self destruction.

“Nobody loves a genius child,
Kill him and let his soul run wild.”
“Genius Child” by Langston Hughes from which the title
of the documentary was inspired

He was one of TV’s greatest dads. A familiar face on several popular shows and even the Glad Trash Bag man. No matter your age or if you grew up with the show Happy Days, there’s a little bit of Richie Cunningham and a little bit of The Fonz in all of us. As Mr. Cunningham, Tom Bosley played a dad who embraced both the good son and the rebel in us all. The nuclear family that actually existed on the show was the idealized nuclear family for all of America, but with a twist. James Dean had a home here, and a different perspective was okay to own as long as you too, considered others and gave your respect. So long, Mr. C. We’ll see you on the flipside, but until then we thankfully have the reruns.

We dug a hole all the way to China and found a fine American, DJ SpunCounterGuy there teaching English to bright young students. He’s also into their supremely cool B-movie culture and hand picked four horror flicks for you Halloweiners to get your kicks. Finally, he left us with this super awesome remix, stay with it about a minute to get the full effect of several older horrorific gems.

Meanwhile, here are his cinematic recommendations:

Painted Skin

The Eye

*Corpse Mania

*Boxer’s Omen

Mr Vampire

*warning- very grindhouse

Hollerween by SpunCounterGuy