I am poor as fuck and made peace with that. One thing that I will never get used to is living with other people that don’t have any money and tend to put off all responsibilities in front of smoking pot or playing beer pong. Poor people like me tend to be lazy and with laziness comes filthiness. Renters tend to be pretty young so they usually don’t really know how to do anything besides drink heavily and leave a trail of empty PBR’s and Taco Bell wrappers. Plus they never own anything that would make a house a home like silverwear, plates, bowls, or food. There is also no way anyone can calm down and go back to sleep at night, day, or especially any time on Sundays. If you bring someone home that doesn’t look like a Victoria Secret model you will instantly be branded a chubby chaser just because she isn’t a blond surfboard. Everyone will have to deal with living with complete strangers and acquitences so I think you will find this handy list of creeps, douchebags, and assholes quite helpful.

Fraternity houses are basically big houses filled with hormonal date rape proponents that have this incredibly false sense of entitlement that don’t have to worry about cleaning after themselves, making their own meals, doing dishes, or anything else that would make a young adult self sufficient. So four years of this leads to learning almost nothing about contributing towards the general efficiency of what a place of living is supposed to have. Also, they have no way of entertaining themselves besides watching Sportscenter and bonging beers with a little more weight on the ladder. When the possibility of doing either of these is wiped out they get so incredibly bored and usually turn to their counterparts to entertain them. If you do not oblige, they will usually call you boring or lame and walk around bouncing a basketball screaming “I’M BORED!” at the ceiling like a seven year old girl. Do not expect to have a meaningful conversation with this person that does not involve how the BCS Bowls work or whether or not you would bone Snooki.

Hippies

Besides the pachuli stench and constant BO from never bathing hippies aren’t too bad to live with. They are always chill and they ALWAYS have weed. They have the sluttiest friends that come over because they are all down with free love. I have come to learn that most love costs at least 30 K annually but when your doing a hippie it’s almost always affordable unless you go to a Trader Joe’s beforehand. There is also a plethora of problems when it comes to living with hippies including their inability to pay for anything. Being a barista 20 hours a week doesn’t really cut it money wise and after five years the benefits don’t ever start to pay off. He can never remember anything like whether it’s a Tuesday or Friday, your girlfriends name, or how to tell time. They can be entertaining when they’re high because their actions are embarrising and they think YOU are the funniest! Phish is alright in moderation but when he switches “Lick it like a lollipop” on the stereo to “Sample in a Jar” live 25 minute sonic concherto that seemingly has the power to change you life but it’s more like a test in futility. When you introduse him to your friends you have to expect his explanation of why he wears a hemp satchel around his neck and how it’s his dreams in a bag. In reality if he just told them the truth of how he keeps his weed in it he would not have to worry about first impressions.. ever. This tragic reality is lost in the wind, much like his life will unfortunately not burn out but fade away.

Anything without a Y Chromosome

Living with girls is pretty cool at first because the initial reaction to it is sort of stretched out over the first two weeks of living together, then the grandma takes off her mask and the hunter is not there to save you from the wolf attack. Clothes everywear, workout tapes, E! Entertainment Channel, and Chelsea Handler will cut into your sanity and whether or not you guys are fucking, the urge to run away from home will never go away and is impossible to satiate. Prerequisites to living with a girl are the ability to put the lid down, crush spiders, and not mind hearing every single Rihanna song in the collection including the songs where she’s merely featured. A friend of mine moved in with three knockouts and he became so horny all the time he could’ve written for Vivid Entertainment. Whenever their doors were locked he just assumed they were having sex with each other or masturbating when in reality they are gone because they are semi creeped out by the way he always checked to see if the doors are locked. He said that they didn’t have a problem with his “unwarranted intrusions” until like the sixth or seventh time. I for one would try to do whatever it takes to get them to make me sandwiches or do my laundry like even if that means sitting through Project Runway or doing a Date Auction at the Adult Daycare she works at. Then when they do make you a sandwich, and it’s game day, all of your buddies will call you God.

Criminals

This one is pretty self explanatory. Any sort of threat of legal action being taken against you because of the awesome entertainment system “his uncle” gave him is undeniably inacceptable. You sometimes wave the luxury of selecting your roomates due to desperation so any tom dick and harry can live with you everyday for a year. At first they will seem cool and you even start to hang out with them and then everywhere you take him things seem to dissapear with no explanation and then you start to notice that he puts liquid codeine in everything. When he can, he pays rent in cash and sometimes trades Hot Pockets for bracelets and articles of clothing. He doesn’t say much and when he does he refers to “The Man” frequently and refers to every woman, especially his mother, as bitches. He makes for a pretty good guard dog and when you do get robbed he’ll either shoot the guy dead or laugh because he “hasn’t seen that dude in years.” The girls he harbors are always really skanky and DTF but you should make sure first that they don’t have siphillis or a baby daddy. He won’t steal from you but its probably a good idea not to move out until he does which will probably be the case if his parole officer ever wakes up from that coma.

Creeps

These slimy degenerates come in all shapes and sizes. You will see the gamer creep who only stays inside and plays Skyrim with all of his “friends.” This breed often times is wearing sweatpants all weekend and will smell like Frito’s and sperm. Inside jokes and Meme Jokes will be the only other thing this person responds to besides Start Menu’s and their Xbox Live headset. Then there are the goth / emo slime. These people do not play well with others. I once had a roomate that went to art school, listened to Slayer, wore face paint, and was a staunch antisemite. They are very creative but reading a poem in goats blood isn’t as deep when it’s on your kitchen table. If you want to talk about anything besides music or the baby killers that run our country you probably won’t get much more than a quick “conformist asshole.” Do not go to a house party with this person because you may never again see the light of day. Absinthe has the power to put people in a coma, especially when half of it is laudenum. Then there is the Guido Creep. Guido creeps actually believe that they are God’s gift to the world and know they will make it rich and own their own fragrant. If a girl has any ounce of self confidence they will find guidos deplorable and will leave immeadiately after the guido slaps her ass followed by a glorious fist pump. Chapstick and industrial strength hair products will always be on hand but don’t expect to be able to use any of it. Also, when they get super drunk and start a fight with your other roommates there is only ever one side of the story, their side. They will bring home hot girls but these girls will have a thick layer of fat and foundation and if you point that out expect to be called a faggot or reminded that pussy IS pussy after all.

Old People

Sometimes living with older roomates can be cool, like when your too young to drink and they can hook you up with beer. It isn’t cool when they are so old that they can remember the Reagan Administration and the girl you want to bang doesn’t know who O.J. Simpson is. They always seem to be the people that will actually yell at you if you don’t put the dishes away as soon as the cycle is done. They insist on having people over because they are too old to survive at the club or anywhere the decibal level is somewhere between a pin dropping and a snake hissing. For whatever reason they live with you, it probably is incredibly depressing and if you have to listen one more time about how he needs to see his kids again you may take a bathtub with a toaster. This guy also puts in his fair share of whacking off time so you might want to be cautious when walking in on anything. It’s best to avoid him existing in social situations and you might want to just store him away upstairs like the freakchild in the attic.

Boy Scouts

There is a reason why we haven’t had a Mormon President and it’s because the American People want someone who isn’t afraid to be bad. It’s fun to do bad things and if it wasn’t for people who broke rules then we probably would be Canadian and I can only watch so much hockey. When someone is constantly berading you for the occasional racial slur or taking resin hits is just plain no fun. This person is clueless to the fact that there are other things out there besides ABC Family and Boggle and if you smoke a cigarette within thirty yards of the apartment it “ stinks like an ashtray in here.” Everything makes this person precautious including alcohol, drugs, and black people and he will do whatever it takes to force his will on everyone is this sense. He will bring girls around but they will not speak to anyone but him because they already think you are a bigoted addict. She hasn’t ever seen a penis either and more than likely never will so your not missing much. The good thing about living with a Boy Scout is your place will always be clean and if you ever need a DD your set for life.

Christmas is awesome. I am saying that because I have been clinically conditioned over the years of just plain expecting things given to us for being good. Instead of God, we should just have The Divine Church of St. Nicolas. If your a dick, it’s coal or nothing. In Uganda, you can try all you can to get something you need and still not have a snowballs chance in hell of obtaining it. In the U.S. all you have to do is wait until Christmas. When you grow up and earn the title of self sufficient there isn’t a particular age where you have to start buying things for everyone else. Some people learn this at a young age, then there are greedy self involved assholes like myself that go for as long as possible sending money or gift cards. It’s hard to give a gift card to two people too. Then there is the Secret Santa Claus pact where every office in America comes together and decide to be quaint with forced obligations of good nature. There are few people that love Secret Santa but they always seem to be more persuasive over the people that don’t. As many times as I’ve seen these yuletide pow wows I will never be more entertained more than when somebody gets something they clearly do not want. When your a twenty three year old office temp and you get a Maxine Day Calender or a 65 year old lady and you get a bed pan there are more awkward turtles walking around the office space than last year when the secretary got drunk and pole danced around the inventory manager. Secret Santa’s often come out pretty successful because people are easy to please and there are so many gifty gifts out there that people can’t find anything wrong with like any item that can be purchased on Sky Mall. However, some people never cease to surprise me when it comes to fucking them up. These are the most common mistakes that people make when making these career messes during the first three weeks of December.

You may tell yourself; “No I want to take my time with this because maybe they will mention something they want in passing hanging out by the coffee maker..” What this really means is that you have no clue what this person wants and no amount of brainstorming will change this. These people choose not to make any effort to purchase anything until twelve hours before the gift is given. The shelves of Target or Wal-Mart are bare at this time and the only people they are in the fetal position stuck in a line that goes out the door. You will end up putting together a gift that consists of candy bars and eraser tops wrapped in today’s sports section. The initial reactions of the receiver is the icing on the cake when it comes to these transactions and they almost always begin with empty broad exclamations like Wow! or I can’t believe you got this! The gull of this person along with the shit they must swallow are equally overwhelming during this time. It’s always followed by the sloven given saying something like “well I know you like letter openers and the color pink” or “I hope you like it.” What they really mean is I hope you like it so you don’t stone me to death like you should be allowed to do. They say it’s the thought that counts and if that’s true you you shouldn’t count as a person.

So one year I had this person that had started working only two weeks previous to the act of gift giving. One day I was desperate because I had made no effort to know this person and I asked my manager who was the only one that actually spoke to this introvert. The manager gave me the worst answer I’ve ever had to work off of. “Well she really likes the Fajita Chicken Salad.” Great. That’s like getting a bank teller a personalized check book. When you turn to someone who is a mid level manager at On the Border to make good decision you have made a grave error. I ended up getting her a Chili’s Gift Card because it’s another place that makes fajitas. I remember the dissapointment in her eyes was that of seeing her first dick and mistaking it for a button on a fur coat. It’s funny when you get one of these gifts too like when you overhear the person talking about how they like kids so you buy them a sexy nanny outfit or steal a child. If you take away anything from this it’s this; if you don’t do your research you will drown is the bitter water of awkwardity.

Oversized Remote Controls and anything from Spencer’s can go well at a holiday party when there is another one on the way. One year I worked with someone who lost his decade long career with Rent-a-Center and as a forty year old host there isn’t much to look forward to besides death. I gave him a tube of Touch of Grey and he proceeded to get drunk and talk about how he “needs to get his kids back.” Shut the hell up dude! If I wanted a buzz kill I would dissect Steve Buschemi’s career. When you get a gag gift you act the same as when you hear a bad joke from your boss and your like Oh! Ha! Ha! That’s funny! Which is the most forced laugh there is. Giving a gag gift without any back up plan is like putting a racist joke into a African American’s uolagy. It goes over like a steel balloon. There are a few gag gifts that go solo but they aren’t that funny. The best gag gift to give is one that you can actually use. My best was the morning after pill pez dispenser. Too bad it didn’t work because I don’t love my son.

You aren’t ten anymore and not that creative so molding a coffee mug out of mud you found in your backyard won’t work very well. I have always been a fan of when people put coupon books together that are composed of baseless guarantees for things like “will work one shift” or “free hugs.”   I would rather get a water balloon filled with diarea than something this trite. If you have the time to create a gift instead of going out and getting something they actually want you haven’t taken the sufficient amount of time to plan this through. I bet your one of those assholes who ask too many questions before they order something at a restaurant just to land on the Buffalo Wings. I feel the same way about people that choose to make their costume. They think people respect them for having any amount of ingenuity but in reality they just look like cheap bastards. Unless you are the unknown lovechild of Martha Steward and McGuyver you should either buy something or hire a Mexican to make that personalized frame or you will most certainly fail.