The news that Brett Favre is once again retiring is all over the airwaves.  But this “shocking” story is being overshadowed by recent word of his next move.  ULTRA-breaking news confirms that Favre will follow in the footsteps of Armageddon‘s Bruce Willis and Space Cowboy‘s Ed Harris as the newest past-his-prime public figure in the role of Intergalactic Hero, as a mammoth asteroid speeds along its path toward earth.

In the past, strategies like drilling holes into the space rock and rigging it with explosives have long been the preferred route.  Brett Favre’s mission is thought to involve him hurling flaming footballs at the asteroid’s weak spots until the rock splits and the shards narrowly miss Earth.  Favre is currently training for the zero gravity environment in Texas, at the newly erected NASA/Football Complex funded by Cowboy’s owner Jerry Jones.

Transformers director Michael Bay has shown interest, as has Megan Fox, though neither will sign on if the other becomes part of the equation. In addition, a support team of other retired stars is currently being assembled to assist Favre.  Warren Moon and Emmitt Smith are rumored to have signed on, as well as Jon McEnroe to add ‘flavor’ to the team.  Steve Buscemi had expressed interest publicly, and it is thought he will reprise his role as psychotic comic relief in the upcoming mission.  There is yet no word whether a theme song is in the works.  Def Leppard has petitioned their ’80s Top 40 hit, “Armageddonit” be the title track, however producers seem stuck on the film’s working title, Armageddon Some. Steven Tyler could not be reached for comment.

Chances are you’ve seen this video already, but it was too awesome not to post. On April 21, 2010 — Fordham University’s Brian Kownacki scores a run by leaping over Iona catcher James Beck and landing on home plate with a handstand, to put Fordam ahead 12-9. Kownacki tried to score from first base on a base hit up the middle that was misplayed. The sophomore infielder realized he was meat at the plate if he slid, so he performed a front-flip to clear Iona College catcher James Beck and score safely after tumbling perfectly on top of home.

Our favorite part is the duration afterwards where the Iona coaches try to argue the play. All the gesturing and arms akimbo looks just as silly as an old episode of Keystone Cops.

Read this.  Sure part of it’s from a newspaper, but hey, live a little.

Check this excerpt from a Washington Post story:

‘Animal Planet, the Silver Spring-based cable network that says it’s the destination for animal lovers, announced Monday it has purchased a new TV series in which it will introduce Mike Tyson, the heavyweight pugilist and avid pigeon fan, to the competitive world of [YES,] pigeon racing. . . .  Animal Planet says “Taking on Tyson” will introduce Tyson to an “intensely competitive and bizarrely fascinating” sport at which he hopes to become “crowned champion all over again.” ‘

That article made me wonder.  If Tyson wants to do it, what other troubled former champion-caliber athletes could use a change of scenery; a new arena to conquer?

Tiger Woods:  He’s already conquered golf and sex.  What now?  What’s another interest of his that can be turned into competition?  Well we know he loves ladies and scorecards.  Eureka! I’ve got it.  The professional Bingo circuit.  Sure, maybe the ladies aren’t quite as taut, but there’s plenty of Ethels and Ruths and Melbas to keep him busy.  Plus, what they lack in recent sexual experience they’ll make up in Bingo skills.  We know how competitive Tiger is — his work is cut out for him if he’s to dethrown Jack Nicklaus’ generation at the peak of their playing careers.

Mark McGwire:  Before his fall from grace for sticking steroid and andro needles in his arss, fans lovingly referred to the slugger as Big Mac.  He certainly won’t be the most famous Big Mac once he starts his new career –  as a video gamer; not unless he drenches himself in honey mustard and special sauce.  I can’t imagine a better challenge for the monstrous man who so relied on strength and power than playing Halo and Call of Duty against 11 year old smartasses who aren’t afraid of anyone as long as they’re on the other side of the headphones.  “Fuck you kid, I’m an adult.  You’ve never even seen a boob.”  But somehow that little bastard’s words still sting.  Okay, enough of my demons.  But let’s see Mark exorcise his.  I can see him crushing the Mario Kart Wii wheel in frustration now.  And yes, he does play as DK.

Ryan Leaf:  Bear with me here.  This former number one pick never panned out in the NFL and wasn’t championship caliber as an athlete, but he certainly is a professional fuckup.  His most recent newsworthy moment came after breaking into a West Texas A&M player’s room (he somehow had an Asst. coaching job) to steal painkillers.  I mean, DAMN.  So facing jail time, you bet I know another interest of his.  Staying out of prison.  Doing anything besides the things they make you do in jail; say, mowing the lawn (which he might be doing plenty of if house arrest is in his future).  So here is his new career:  Professional tractor pulling and lawn mower racing.  Don’t know what the hell that is?  Check the pics.  But you bet he knows.  He’s already in Texas, coached at an Ag school, and is gonna sure as hell be motivated.  Anything as long as his ass isn’t grass.

Darryl Strawberry:  One of the real baseball talents of the 80s and 90s was Darryl “pass me that Straw [sniff sniff]” Berry.  He won rookie of the year and still holds major records for the New York Mets.  But he certainly had other interests: like hitting his wives and girlfriends, recording a rap album, doing massive amounts of coke and drinking, and even once saying of his hometown during the L.A. riots, “Let it Burn.”  I think this guy’s new competitive arena is already written and fated.  He needs to bring back the funk, resurrect gangsta rap, and conquer the record charts all at once.  It won’t be easy, with iTunes and music sharing as they currently are, but I think he’s got all the right goods to go triple platinum.  He’s got the nostrils of Rick James, the right hook of Ike Turner and Bobby Brown, and the Los Angeles sentimentality of Tupac and NWA.  His only competition?  The dwindling consumers of retail music, staunchly greedy record execs, and maybe an absence of all musical talent.  But hey, if he can channel all those other badasses with whom he shares so much, he’ll be alright.  All their success came back in the 80s and early 90s, just like Strawberry’s.

John Daly:  Now back to golf.  Daly is my hero.  He drinks beer before professional events and still shows more raw talent than a seventeen year old Gainesville stripper named Desirae (trust me, she was talented).  He’s also choked in huge moments, missed gimme putts, and nearly bad-healthed his way off the tour and into the grave.  Of course he also lost a hundred pounds and might just make it to age sixty.  If he really is retired, he’ll need work though, and I’ve got just the gig.  Children’s cereal mascot.  YUH, I said it.  He’s perfect.  He knows all there is to know about corn starches and sugars, and enough about beer to marry the grains with the hops in Research and Development.  They’re GRREEAAT… with BEER. Plus, look at the resemblance?

Lindsey Vonn, after becoming the first American female skier to take home the Gold Medal in the Downhill, has decided on a bold new wardrobe change.  Hoping to draw some of the attention away from her bruised and battered shin, which many thought would impede her run, she will don a bikini-themed snowsuit for her next event.  ”I just didn’t think being in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue was sexy enough,” she said.  ”Not for a Gold Medalist.”

The outfit will be largely flesh colored, except for the appropriately leopard skinned accents that will make her look as though she’s skiing down the mountain in nothing but her undies.

When pressed on the issue, Vonn admitted another gold medal might make her raise the stakes even higher, hinting that a completely sheer one piece set of coveralls is in the works.  Asked if she would consider going completely nude, Vonn blushed and shivered mockingly, saying, “probably not, unless we’re skiing on sand in Aruba — but I guess it might make me a little faster.”  Fingers crossed.

Dick Ebersol of NBC was seen wearing a mock version of the Vonn ski bikini outfit, kicking off an all out merchandising onslaught, including Lindsey Vonn action figures – clothes optional – posters, fatheads, energy drinks, and a line of hand lotions.

A spokesperson for Vonn confirmed that nearly all proceeds will go toward fighting childhood obesity, with a small portion going toward battling hairy palms.  U-S-A…U-S-A…U-S-A!

Drink any time:

• Someone crashes (2 more if they don’t get up)
• Someone cries (1 more if it’s because they lost)
• Two girls hug (5 more if they kiss)
• Someone references Michael Phelps’ medals (3 more if they mention his bong)
• NBC shows a commercial for their newest stinker, The Marriage Ref
• Someone does something completely gay (1 more if it’s not Johnny Weir)
• A male figure skater drops his female partner (2 more if she cries about it)
• The ‘eye of the hog’ turns red (it’s curling, stupid)
• The commentator has to explain what the game is they are playing
• You see a figure skater’s nipple slip(yes, it has to be a girl) (3 more for bush)
• A figure skater’s redneck ex-husband assaults one of her competitors
• A snowboarder completely disgraces himself and the olympic games (10 more if photos surface of a girl feigning oral sex on his medal)

While the big win went to the New Orleans Saints, the real winners are the people of New Orleans, who have been overwrought with hardship since the disaster that was Katrina. Mad props to those peeps. And, while the game itself was truly exciting to watch, most of the ads lost out. However, there were a few notables. Here are our top picks below.

Word on the street is, people are already tired of seeing Megan Fox. As you’re reading this, we’re secretly having them taken out back and shot. C’mon broham, it’s always good to see Megan Fox being her sexy self. Thank you, Motorola!

A commercial that has both a boogie-boarding sock monkey and a luxury-like vehicle we can afford? We can’t believe it’s a ka-ka-ka-Kia!

A bad ass man machine on four wheels that isn’t afraid to admit to what it is? Bring it, broham!

Anything that references “The Hangover” is deemed a classic by default.

Everyone’s talking about Reggie and the Super Bowl, but we’ve got our minds focused on Kim Kardashian…

Who Dat?!! The Kim Kardashian Slideshow

◄ Back

Next ►

Picture 1 of 14