12 Other Actors Who Could Also Play Edgar Allan Poe in ‘The Raven’
This Friday, actor John Cusack stars as the Master of Horror himself, Mr. Edgar Allan Poe, in The Raven. While we’ll be the first to say the Gross Pointe Blank star was very well cast, two Broham staffers are descendants of Poe’s family. We couldn’t help but wonder who the hell else would the casting agent call? Then we got high and thought of a few. Here are 12 actors who just need to don a ‘stache to pull off a crowd-worthy performance of the mad genius. What better way to kick off Mustaches in May? (BESIDES a mustache ride, douche.)
- Liam Neeson—After the likes of Quai Gon Jing, this old bastard has really made a heckuva comeback. I mean, who knew they missed John Wayne? Nobody except your great-granpa until that movie Taken came out. Suddenly, chicks were wishing he was their dad and dudes were like “there IS life after 30!” Now he’s fighting off wolves, pallin’ around with Hades and Mr. T, and about to sink your Battleship.
- Johnny Depp—Yeah, they didn’t want Tim Burton fuckin’ this shit up, so pass.
- Gary Oldman—Our boy’s got the chops and the time, just get Commissioner Gordon to take off his glasses aaand POW… Insta-Poe!
- Christian Bale—Hmmm… “If Edgar Allan Poe did pushups…” Well, Abraham Lincoln apparently killed vampires. Why the fuck not?
- Winona Ryder—Surprise! Since the shoplifting, she’s been cast in bit roles such as Spock’s mom (!) in Star Trek and supporting parts in indie flicks like Black Swan. C’mon! It’s time we REALLY free Winona. If she has to play a man to convince us, then Broham wants to give her that chance. Besides, she’s got dark hair, a prominent forehead and rocked that boyish haircut on-and-off for years (don’t call it a pixie cut!). Throw in a sweet rack and the fact that she’s still hot and you better cast her ass before we can say BEETLEJUICE! Speaking of a forehead with boobs…
- Christina Ricci—Yep. It’s the only actress to ever out-indie Winona. Some say it’s talent, but we blame her even bigger forehead and (at one time) bigger pontoons. Let’s give her a ‘stache and see what she’s got. Since Pan-Am was a bust and she’s got a stellar one, the real question is would she be a hotter Poe lookin’ like Black Snake Moan or Buffalo 66.
- Tom Selleck—Anybody who’s ever watched the show Magnum P.I. will remember that almost every episode had a flashback. Usually though, it was from Vietnam. We’ll just go back in time a little further to… you know, when he was Edgar Allan Poe in another life. Besides dude! We can’t do a story on mustaches without featuring Magnum, P.I.! After all, he’s just one of a handful of guys who can actually make that shit look goood. Which leads us to…
- Burt Reynolds—”They call him The Bandiiiit…” Here’s a man that made every guy in the 70s grow a mustache, thanks to Smokey and the Bandit and Cannonball Run. At one time, he cut a dashing figure in his redsploitation flicks. But now, he’s been cut up a bit too much. Perfect then, as a walking freak show IN a freakshow.
- Snape—Severus Snape is the perfect cast. He’s dark and creepy, plus he actually went as Edgar Allan Poe at last Halloween’s Hogwarts staff masquerade and key party.
- Ozzy Osbourne-The Prince of Darkness could pull it off in his sleep, which he’ll have to, since Ozzy is at least 50% asleep at any given moment of the day. And he’d have the balls to stand up to the evil. The man bit the head off a live bat, I think he can handle a Raven.
- Jack Black—Uh, talk about your Edgar Allan Bro. “Yeah, bro. Totally wrote some messed-up shit about torturing chicks in the wine cellar last night. What? Someone just did that? Wasn’t me, brah! Total work of fiction. My pet bird can account for my whereabouts.”
- Usher-It’s the 21st Century, folks, and you can’t just go by the book when casting roles these days. Remember when all the movie presidents were white guys? If anybody can resurrect the “House of Usher,” it’s well, Usher. I can see it now – there he goes poppin’ and lockin’ and walkin’ it out down the dark streets of 19th century Baltimore.